“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these.”― George Washington Carver
“Navigating Life Challenges: Emotional Support and Communication”
I speak with many people in the course of a week. Everyone is at a different point in their lives. We all deal with change, though. We all deal with challenge. Whatever we are wrestling with on a regular basis can influence how our mood is, how we dress, what we say (or don’t say), how we interact or which path we go to get where we are going. When we are stressed we can feel isolated, anxious and out of control. One understanding person is all it takes to speak with us about our topic of stress to find ourselves feeling supported and able to move through one more day. We feel less ‘crazy’. We feel understood. We feel ‘heard’.
Being understood is a very powerful catalyst for healing and change. When we feel ‘heard’ our anxiety surrounding our challenge doesn’t actually go away, however, we can experience a sense of resilience. Why? Well, I believe, it is because we’ve been able to share our burden with a person who has, on some level, shown that they get it. They understand aspects of what our suffering is or what our challenge is. It can happen that they actually don’t get it but they care enough to listen. That’s a starting point to being heard, too. Let’s be real. Facing things that are hard is better when you are not alone in it. It’s why we have support groups and coaches like me. People, with lived experience in our area of challenge, who we can vent to, commiserate with and grow with who won’t judge us for the details of our situation because they understand a lot of why it is the way that it is. Amazing results happen when we find connection to others. In my line of work we call this supports and resources. Your People. Supports and resources can also be places, things and skills but for this post we are mostly referencing the people.
In my life and in my work, though, I’ve found that it isn’t always enough to feel heard by others. There are supports that are good at listening and commiserating. Then, there are supports that also encourage growth. It’s not enough to find people with similar challenges that get the challenges. That would be like meeting a friend or going to a weekly support group where the conversation is all about trading stories about how bad life is and there’s little to no encouragement for how to make positive changes so life gets better. In order to grow, heal and move forward we also need to find supports that become resources for change. An example of this is also a friend or going to a weekly support group where you share your experiences but, in this case, it goes beyond the venting. It becomes a jumping off point for skills on how to deal with the challenge. It’s getting access to resources in your area or within your grasp to help support you in making healthy changes. It’s having a cheerleader or crowd urging you on to that success you seek.
How to effectively be a support AND use the support given to you.
Here’s my rule of thumb for seeking out people as supports. The qualities listed below are for being a support and receiving support through conversation. It starts with effective communication skills:
COMMUNICATION
Sharing private details related to your challenge is a part of finding the support.
- Observe some talking etiquette:
- It’s wise to limit venting and include other topics that are not related to your mutual stressors.
- Remember that when you share those details that you are protecting the privacy and dignity of yourself or others within your challenging scenario. Not every detail is a detail to be shared with everyone you speak with.
- Be mindful of your audience. It matters. Language matters. Our tone of voice even matters. If I seek support from my grandmother I will speak with her about my challenge with a different spin than I would with my best friend or a support group.
- Friends and family or even co-workers are great supports but they aren’t a therapist. Be mindful and respectful of that. Sharing is one thing, yes, but unloading on the regular might mean you have a bigger need than they can help with. Try seeking out some 3rd party help with that like a counselor, therapist or pastor. They’ve been trained to handle the heavy needs of stressors and can be a great third person perspective you need to figure things out.
LISTENING
- When it is your turn to listen do it to understand….not to respond. If you’re busy thinking of the next thing you want to say you are not being very supportive to the person speaking.
- Repeat back what you have heard so that the person talking knows you have listened.
- Ask questions to clarify what you don’t understand.
- Avoid making their stress about you by constantly relating back to your own version of their stress. This is not a time for ‘oh, me too, that’s happened to me’.
- Sometimes people barely take a breath because getting it all out is important. It can be overwhelming at times. Just breathe. You aren’t listening to fix problems. You are listening to be supportive.
FOLLOW THROUGH
It extends into ACTIONABLE things to show care & concern.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Acknowledge their trouble. Part of being understood means feeling like someone sees what you’re dealing with. It’s important to minimize your distractions and allow for them to be the focus of your attention.
- Use words of comfort like:
- I’m so sorry that this has happened
- Is there anything I can do to help you with this?
- Can I give you a hug?
- That must have been so hard to deal with.
- Offer words of encouragement
- You’ve got this!
- You know what you can do!
- Hang in there!
- I’m here for you if you need anything!
- Avoid minimizing their situation or being judgmental. It doesn’t help comfort or support. Many times it can make a person feel like what happened is not considered a big deal even if it WAS a big deal to them. Remember, they’re looking for support through your listening to understand their need NOT someone to tell them how they feel it should have been handled or that they’re making a bigger deal of it than they should have. Problems and how they are viewed is entirely up to the person having them and everyone has a different threshold for what they see or feel as problematic.
ACTION
Action can be tricky because it requires us to go beyond listening and supporting from where we are sitting. Action doesn’t mean we have to start physically intervening or constantly doing something for the person we are supporting in our effort to help them feel understood. We can offer action in the following examples:
- Doing things like
- lighten their load by
- calling them to check bringing over a coffee/tea
- on how an important event went
- offer to take their child for an hour so they can do something for themselves
- send a card
- surprise them with a meal
- Offer a ride to an appointment
- Saying things like
- How can I help?
- I’m going to bring a dinner this week. Which day would be best?
- I will call you to remind you of your appointment.
- Let’s pray together.
- I have Thursday open after 11am…why don’t we work on it together?
So, being heard is very much about being understood, belonging with persons who share your understanding and who invest themselves in seeing your successfully navigating this challenge. If they can’t do that? Well, then, are they really your People? Almost everyone seeks out these connections. You are not alone. You have such options available to you! Surround yourself with people who see your struggle and encourage your path forward with their support. But, don’t forget to be supportive of them in return. Emotional Support and communication go hand in hand.
Take care & I’ll talk to you soon,
Take care & I’ll talk to you soon,