“The truth is, parenting as well as we can is always hard – really, truly, the hardest thing any of us has ever done.” — Laura Markham

Parenting Styles

(The Challenges of Today Become a Different Set of Challenges in the Future)

Caregivers are the most valuable persons on this planet, in my opinion. Some people would see the role of caregiver as belonging to a parent.  It’s not exclusive to a parent but that IS what we are.  We’re caregivers.  For the purpose of this post we’re going to focus on how past experiences influence our present style of parenting, what that might look like and what the challenges are with each.  

All of us have a past.  Thinking back on memories of how we grow up and how that informs our decisions in many things has been a big focus in my parent coaching.  Today, I’m thinking about how the experiences we have growing up influences how we parent our children.  There are many variables that affect this.  Here’s a few examples.  This is, by far, not the whole list:

family size

culture (ethnicity, customs, religious)

disability (including physical & mental)

economic status (from very rich to very poor)

social trends (‘keeping up the with Jones’, social justice, transparency)

domestic abuse (physical, mental, sexual, neglect)

drug abuse

trauma

None of us are blank slates by the time we have children. We’ve experienced life’s ups and downs.  The above list is just a few of the things that an individual may experience that influence parenting choices.  We will typically parent based on how we were parented.  That only means that you think of examples of parenting associated with your childhood. The interesting part is that only YOU determine what choices you’re going to make with all of your years of stored experiences.  As parents we claim responsibility over the children we create (or the children we adopt).  How our understanding and experience with parenting is formed over time is for us to wade through and develop. 

I want to give each ‘style’ its own post but for now here are summaries of some specific styles of parenting most discussed these days.  Each has its own signature and challenge.  Frequently parents have more than one style mingling in their parenting.  Each description is to highlight what any single style alone would look like in a family.

Authoritative Parenting

Have you ever talked with anyone about something you were really interested in?  You had details, could tell them how to do the activity.  You could talk them through or problem solve with them when they couldn’t figure it out but you were solid on your understanding of it.  Maybe if the person you were showing how to do something messed up, you were able to calmly show them another way.  Or, perhaps you were able to ask them how they got where they were at and then helped them to regroup.  That is what authoritative parenting is, in a nutshell.  This parenting style encourages independence in stages and follows through with accountability.  Kids are taught about choice-making through example and are mentored after they make choices. So, here are the positive points in authoritative parenting regardless of economic, cultural and environmental influences:

Signature: Mentor-based to encourage independence in decision making skills and social emotional growth.

Strength(s): This style approaches a child as a human-in-progress where parents lead by example, encourage limited risk-taking so kids learn cause & affect and teaches kids to regulate their emotional responses through strong communication skills.  Discipline has its roots in understanding behavior, child development stages and a heart centered approach to why a rule is important etc…

Challenge(s): There’s a fine line between enforcing a rule for safety/social responsibility and allowing for kids to ‘figure things out on their own. This can, at times, lead to parents trying to clean up the aftermath of poor choice making if they aren’t strong mentors. Lack of follow through can, at times, cross the line of permissive parenting style if parents are not careful.  Discipline still needs to be enforced through boundaries and consequences.

Family Bonds are WARM

Communication is CLEAR and ENCOURAGED

Emotions are REGULATED

Boundaries are ENFORCED with SKILL DEVELOPMENT and MENTORING

Decision making is CHILD CENTERED but PARENT MENTORED and MONITORED

Permissive Parenting

Permissive in this case means tolerant and lenient.  Parents who are permissive allow for do as they please whenever they please.  Most of the time this is without overseeing or regulating behavior.  A good deal of parents who use this style can have great intentions of being authoritative but may not have the energy to get after their child, may feel ill-equipped to deal with the big emotions often shown by kids.   Children are mini-adults-in-training.  Having all-access to anything they insist upon with no following social rules makes for risky behaviors and a child who has no healthy boundaries.  Parents find their child unable to regulate emotions (tantrums or meltdowns).  Behavior has no consequences or no consequences that mean anything to the child.  Permissive Parenting showcases kids with a lot of emotional responding, risk taking and zero tolerance for being told no or corrected for poor choice making.  Parents exhibit limited tolerance for managing either their or their child’s demand for their time or their emotional responses.

Signature: Everything goes the way the child wants it to go.

Strength(s): This style contains a lot of love and affection.  While not a consistent strength, in this style the child’s ability to direct action within their lives can be positive.

Challenge(s): “Sure, yes, of course, no problem” eventually creates faulty connections on how relationships work, emotional responses (I know my parent loves me because they do things for me/they don’t love me because they wouldn’t do things for me) responsibility for actions and what the parent’s role is in the relationship.

Family Bonds are WARM to HOT

Communication is INCONSISTENT, ONE SIDED and NOT CLEAR

Emotions are NOT REGULATED

Boundaries are NOT ENFORCED

Decision making is CHILD DIRECTED and NOT MONITORED

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian is defined as anything characterized by favoring absolute obedience to authority (vs. against individual freedom).  Authoritarian Parenting is what many of us experienced growing up.  Our parents were also taught this style of parenting.  It is most frequently seen with very young children where we are teaching them how to learn modes of living (aka. nighttime/morning routines, safety whether in or out of the home). This  style is characterized by high levels of control and demands from parents, with little to no input or negotiation from the child. The emphasis is on obedience and conformity, with punishments for disobedience being common. Parents who employ an authoritarian parenting style often have very high expectations of their children and believe that they know what is best for them, without taking into account the child’s feelings, needs or desires. They tend to use fear and intimidation as a means of controlling their children, rather than positive reinforcement or building a strong, healthy relationship.

This parenting style often results in children who are fearful of upsetting their parents, lack independence, have low self-esteem, and struggle with decision-making and problem-solving skills. These children may also become rebellious and act out in ways that are not constructive, as they have not been given the tools to express themselves in a healthy way.  Ultimately, in my opinion, this style doesn’t acknowledge that each child is a unique individual with ideas, feelings, opinions, budding skills and temperament.  When a parent with this style continuously exerts their authority over their child without regard for the child’s input (in certain situations) they risk gaining future challenges regarding their child’s decision making, independence and mental health.

Signature: Absolutism with or without reasoning backed up with physical discipline to encourage or discourage behavior from the child.  This can sound like : be seen and not heard, my way or the highway, do as I say, because I’m the mom, that’s why.

Strength(s): Children are taught about hierarchy, rules and systems and how to follow them.  These are seen out in the world from government to work environments to school environments.  This style reinforces safety for younger children who can often ‘leap first’ without thinking of consequences.

Challenge(s): Parents choosing this style require blind obedience from their child so questioning is seen as a power struggle instead of the child’s quest to understand behavior. Power struggles often lead to damaged relationships within families.  Children’s humanity, personality, emotional growth and curiosity are often regarded as characteristics to tamp down, not to develop, as they may increase questioning and disobedience.

Family Bonds are  OBLIGATORY and based in RESPONSIBILITY

Communication is LIMITED and ONE-SIDED

Emotions are NOT REGULATED, SUPPRESSED, IGNORED & DISCOURAGED

Boundaries are STRICTLY ENFORCED BY PARENT

Decision making is PARENT DIRECTED and MONITORED

Uninvolved Parenting

The name describes just what it means.  Parents in this style either do not involve themselves with the care and upkeep of their child or they cannot mentally/physically manage to do so.  This may be seen as neglectful but may not be meant intentionally.  Many parents get overwhelmed by daily living needs that they are not able to successfully see to their child’s needs.  Many may feel that they don’t know enough of child development to be a good parent to their child and that their child is better off without their interference.

Signature: Echoes.  Imagine a child in an empty house calling out with only their voice echoing off the walls.  No one is there and they are all alone. The parent/caregiver is not physically around or mentally available to support, guide and care for the child in their care.  The child is truly on their own.

Strength(s): I haven’t seen a strength to this style beyond the amazing resilience of the child faced with the lack of attention and support.  Without direction, support or bonds the child (if lucky enough to do so) could choose to bond with loving and responsible people that come into their lives.  

Challenge(s): Children brought up primarily in this style often feel like they belong no where and that no one loves them.  Parents struggling with mental, physical and behavioral health problems may not be able to manage their child’s needs on top of their own. They are especially vulnerable to relationships promising family-type connections.

Family Bonds are  WARM to COLD

Communication is INCONSISTENT and NOT CLEAR

Emotions are NOT REGULATED

Boundaries are NOT ENFORCED

Decision making is CHILD DIRECTED and NOT MONITORED

Whatever your primary parenting style is I want you to know that the majority of parents adopt a little of the first three styles.  When children are young, our focus is on establishing parental authority, routines, rules and cultural norms within our homes.  As our children get older we aid our their development by giving them increasing opportunities at decision making and choice-making in order to learn what will work for them. 

Stay tuned for a more in depth look at each style coming up in the next few weeks!

Julie